Yo dont text me then not text me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
