i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
