i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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