Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
