It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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