there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
