Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Boobs speak an international language.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
