ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
