are you so shy because you have an std?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
