On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
