i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
