we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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