Sponge bath it is.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
