I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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