White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My penis needs a shock collar
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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