if you like me you must not know who I am
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
this is an emotional support booty call
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
