Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
