You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
