you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
