Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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