I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
