I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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