onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
