He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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