Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
