we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
