We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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