Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
