You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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