He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
