Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
