here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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