the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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