life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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