I will die if light touches me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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