the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
