I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
