dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
