Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
