my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
