Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Randomize
