Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
