Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
