I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
