It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
