I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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