i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
