I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
