get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
