i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dicks are not precious.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
